Sick of Feeling Sick

I just really...have not been feeling "normal" for these past few weeks. It really seems like I can't catch a break between trying to keep my grades up and being focused on worrying about every little shitty thing in my life. I hate to be so overly negative, but it's hard to even think of positive events with my current state of mind. I feel like I've lost myself. Ever since I decided I was giving up on vet school (and I haven't really told that many people yet...), I kinda have been feeling like the world is crashing down on top of me. I'm no longer certain where I'm going with my life. It's like...I know what I want to do. The things that hold me back from doing these things  are actually very concrete things. Just to name a few:
1.) I couldn't change my major at this point, even if I really want to.
2.) Every different thing I consider has some different pre-req for grad school that I'm not going to be able to do because I'm already almost at my 150 credit limit (also related to #1)
3.) I also feel like I'm not involved in enough, even though I kinda did bust my ass when I was doing all this stuff for Pre-Vet Club. I have a lot of volunteer hours, but they're all pretty much specifically related to animals. I'm not sure how well that's gonna look on me in the long run.
4.) Money
5.) Confidence*** I'm not confident in my abilities at all. I always feel like everyone is doing better than me, and that's always been a huge problem for me mentally.

Now I just always have this sense of sadness I can't shake. I still go out and do fun things every once in a while, but even when I'm laughing and goofing off with my friends, I'm still overwhelmed by crazy thoughts and worries. Then it gets to the point where I just want to go lie down by myself somewhere and cry; let it aaaaall out. It makes me feel so trapped...I just want to be normal. I don't even know what "normal" people think about, but I'm pretty sure it's not the same as what I think about - obsessing over the thought of one thing or one person over and over and over.

Laaaawd, please give me strength as I continue to {try} to work out the kinks.

Lack of Constructive Support Only Moves People Backwards

1. "Are you doing this for attention?"
No, actually I'm not. Trust me: with social anxiety, unnecessary attention from random strangers is the last thing one would want.

2. "You just need to think more positive."
Really? Do you even know what anxiety is? Do you think I want all of these crazy sporadic thoughts in my head all day that can literally be debilitating? No, I'd rather not. And no amount of thinking "I'm going to be happy today" is magically going to be the solution to the problem. Give me something realistic to work with here.

3. "No one is staring at you. Quit freaking out."
Actually...I don't even know how to address this one. What my brain is telling me in MY head is totally different from what you physically see, so don't chastise me for something I can't physically control. You might as well just throw me out into a crowd of people and watch me shift uncomfortably as I scream from the inside.

4. "You just need to get over it."
As if I chose this mindset for myself. I don't wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and say to myself, "I'm going to worry about everything today and have obsessive thoughts about insignificant things."  If anyone could see how many nights I spent up crying for all of the things in my head to just disappear somehow, maybe you would understand a little better. It's not something that just magically goes away over night. It comes back to haunt you not long after you step out of bed in the morning, even without conscious thinking.

5. "You're never going to survive in life thinking that way."
Yes, thank you for reminding me how my overwhelming anxieties and obsessive thoughts interfere with my daily life. Again, do you think I want to be this way? I would give anything to be able to go out and have a good time without being overly self-conscious  or think of crazy things so often that it literally makes me nauseous. If there was a magical pill to end all of that nonsense, I would willingly take it to never feel those feelings ever again.

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I think that biggest thing that people forget (even with more severe mental illnesses) is that just because something is in the brain that contains all of our wonderful thoughts and memories, a self-help change of mindset is not always a perfect solution. It takes a lot more than one pill or a few months of therapy to even see a drastic change, but it makes it even more difficult to work towards recovery when there is so much ignorance around us. Personally, I think the stigma for any mental illness could be lowered significantly if there was a sure fire way to get more and more people to actively think (and say) the opposite of the things listed above:

1. "What is it that's bothering you? Is there any way that I can make the situation less stressful for you?"
2. "I can sense that you are feeling bogged down by negative thoughts. Is there anything we can do to redirect you attention?"
3. "I know that you are feeling uncomfortable, but I will be here with you to help distract you from others."
4. "Have you tried ______? Maybe it will help you to start feeling better again."
5. "You will get through this, and I will be here to support you in whatever way I can until you feel comfortable enough to face these stressful situations alone."

Stress.

So...I'm stressed. What else is new, right?

I mean, I should be happy that it's summer. This has really been the most boring summer ever. On the bright side, it's been extremely relaxing. It may be too relaxing because I'm starting to gain a little bit of weight back. I need to get back into exercising, but it's been so difficult since the weather has been unbearable and I don't have a way to go to a gym or anything.

On top of worrying about my weight, my face has been breaking out really badly. I feel like I've tried every single kind of face wash and soap there is, and nothing seems to be working. All I can think to do now is to go to a dermatologist or something. I've been trying to grow out my nails too, but my inner stress has radiated to my fingertips a bit (lol). God knows it will only get worse when school starts up again, but I really wanted them nice at least in the beginning. We shall see how that goes...

On top of THAT, my parents manage to stress me out. Some bitch, who won't be named, once told me that my parents' stress has nothing to do with my behavior, but it really does. I end up bearing the brunt of my dad's stress and anger, and my mom brings me down when she complains myself. Sometimes I think that I'm just ready for school to start, but at the same time I'm worried about going back. I just really hope things get better than they have been in the past three years. Believe it or not, there once was a time in my life when I was literally "OK" or "good" as I tell people. :P Well, that was about five years ago.

I think I just need to learn to relax every once and a while, and hopefully things will run a bit smoother this school year. College is like life: it's what you make of it. Guess I better make it something, or I may lose my mind before graduation. Wait...I've already lost it. Ha ha. Well, best go catch it now before time runs out...

You Know What I Really Don't Understand?

People. Just people. Every day that I live my life, I see more and more people that like to suck the happiness out of it. It really feels like there are just masses and masses of people who have no compassion, and they don't really give a shit about it.

Take this evening for instance...my friend and I are walking to get food from one of the dining halls. These three guys walk out, two of them carrying a box of a dozen doughnuts. One of them was...a rather larger fellow, who began to remove one of the donuts from the box as they were walking. On the other side, we have Douchebag 1 and Douchebag 2. Douchebag 1 begins to laugh, as Douchebag 2 yells from feet away at the boy holding the doughnut. Granted, I didn't here exactly what he said. But he did yell something poking fun at the big boy with the doughnut. I watched the boy's face slowly sink, and the Douchebags walked away, laughing and looking back. All I could give them was a hostile glare, but if I was close enough, I swear I could have decked both of them in the face.

Seriously...what is wrong with people? In what kind of world do we live in where people think they can just say or do whatever they want with no thought of how it affects others? I know this is a cliche thing that people talk about all the time, but it is a real problem. Humans, as a whole, never seem to see the pain behind the mask. They see a person complaining about how they are tired of life, hate their life, etc etc., yet all they can say is that the person is "attention whoring." Little do they know, that person is the boy with the doughnut, the girl with an eating disorder, the kid from an abusive family, ANYONE. Everyone is so focused on themselves that they forget that other people exist, and it's entirely narrow-minded. No one is innocent of the crime.

With all of the hate in the world, there needs to be a change of heart. Somewhere. With the recent chain of events, this is even more evident. But, as usual, that's better said than done. But it takes little steps. Little steps...

What I Try to Remind Myself

I try to remind myself that everything will be worth it in the end: I say that hopefully, but not assuredly. Sometimes even when people tell me that college will "get better", it really doesn't seem like it has so far. I mean, I go home in a little over a month and I feel kinda crappy about my entire freshman year. Just like always, I feel like there is something I could have done better: could have been less shy to people, could have studied more, could have gone to that review session, could of done this and that and blah blah blah...But it is what it is. It's easier to tell myself than to actually believe it. I wish I had more confidence and could look back and say, "wow...I really kicked ass!" But...this is college. I have to remind myself that even though I had straight A's in high school, it doesn't say much about my performance here. Everything is so different; I'm even learning things I'm not used to. Hell, I had never touched a pig, cow, or sheep in my life until I came here. I can't be expected to know everything the first time around. But I'm trying...

I really wish it was Friday already

Spring break is so close, yet so far. I miss my family, but I miss my doggy most of all. I swear that dog is my life, even if she doesn't understand it. :P I'm so ready to get a break from all this school work. I have the gut feeling that this week is going to be terribly busy, so I just hope it goes by quickly. Let's see....hopefully going to a club meeting tomorrow, I have a midterm report due Tuesday, a take home exam, and a quiz. I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I thought high school was bad for that....Oh well. Regardless, things seem to be taking a turn in the right direction.

What the Internet Has Taught Me

One thing a lot of people I meet don't know about me is that most of the closest friends I have are people that I have met on the Internet. Yes, I said Internet. 

Growing up, I really wasn't that interested in spending time on the computer. Most of the time that I was consisted of  eight year old me looking up random websites that I could join like Barbie or Cartoon Network... It wasn't until about seventh grade that I really made use of any particular website. In 2007, an old neighbor of mine introduced me to a game she was playing called "VMK" or "Virtual Magic Kingdom." It was basically a huge promotion game in the event of Disneyland's 50th anniversary. I said "okay." It looked pretty fun, so I decided to create an account of my own. I ended up really enjoying it: so much so that I basically made it my life to play it from the time I was home until it closed at 1 a.m. The day after my 13th birthday (Valentine's Day 2007, to be exact) I was Googling random things for VMK, like special codes and all that jazz. I came across a website called "MiceChat.com." At first, I wasn't sure of the extent of this new place. I started out in the VMK forums until about the end of 2007. Eventually, I ended up following one of my friends that I met there into the main forums. I met some new, wonderful friends in there. And well....I'm just going to leave it at that until I decide to write my life story as a novel *eyeroll* 

Anywho... these online friendships basically have either gone two ways at this point: absolutely wonderful or absolute shit. I'll admit it: just like everyone else, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life thus far. I've said the wrong things, trusted the wrong people, so on and so on. It hurts me to this day to think of some of the great memories I've had that have just taken a turn down the drain, but I wouldn't trade those memories for the world. The Internet has taught me so much about life that it's actually scary. When I'm really in the zone, everything seems so real. It doesn't feel like the people that I'm talking to are 600 miles away or even 3,000 miles away. People have come and gone out of my life, some being at my fault and some really theirs. I've learned that I can't impress everyone; I've learned that I can only be and do so much for people on the other side of the computer screen (or even in real life). Even though the people that I talk to are real people in reality, I know how to disconnect myself as I would with my friends who are here with me. I've been lied to, lied about, rejected, resented, and welcomed by all of these people. But most importantly of all, I've been loved. It may sound weird to people, but it's true. Not everyone gets to have the same experiences. 

Suffering from depression and anxiety for periods of time, I have had friends that I know I can go to. People may occasionally think that I am "acting out" or "nagging" people for attention, but in essence I think that my online relationships have saved my life all of this time. No matter what kind of funk I'm in, my best of friends always know how to make me laugh or just put a smile back on my face. I am forever grateful for the people who continue to be that special place in my life where I can escape and feel like I belong. If they know if or not, they are very special to me. They are my family away from my family, and I love them in a way that I couldn't explain to just some random person on the street. I think I'll keep them a little longer. ;)

For the memories that have been made and for the ones to come...thank you.

*Here are a couple I could find:

Me, Angel, and Sarah in Virginia Beach in 2012

Me and Sarah in Busch Gardens in 2010