Stress.

So...I'm stressed. What else is new, right?

I mean, I should be happy that it's summer. This has really been the most boring summer ever. On the bright side, it's been extremely relaxing. It may be too relaxing because I'm starting to gain a little bit of weight back. I need to get back into exercising, but it's been so difficult since the weather has been unbearable and I don't have a way to go to a gym or anything.

On top of worrying about my weight, my face has been breaking out really badly. I feel like I've tried every single kind of face wash and soap there is, and nothing seems to be working. All I can think to do now is to go to a dermatologist or something. I've been trying to grow out my nails too, but my inner stress has radiated to my fingertips a bit (lol). God knows it will only get worse when school starts up again, but I really wanted them nice at least in the beginning. We shall see how that goes...

On top of THAT, my parents manage to stress me out. Some bitch, who won't be named, once told me that my parents' stress has nothing to do with my behavior, but it really does. I end up bearing the brunt of my dad's stress and anger, and my mom brings me down when she complains myself. Sometimes I think that I'm just ready for school to start, but at the same time I'm worried about going back. I just really hope things get better than they have been in the past three years. Believe it or not, there once was a time in my life when I was literally "OK" or "good" as I tell people. :P Well, that was about five years ago.

I think I just need to learn to relax every once and a while, and hopefully things will run a bit smoother this school year. College is like life: it's what you make of it. Guess I better make it something, or I may lose my mind before graduation. Wait...I've already lost it. Ha ha. Well, best go catch it now before time runs out...

You Know What I Really Don't Understand?

People. Just people. Every day that I live my life, I see more and more people that like to suck the happiness out of it. It really feels like there are just masses and masses of people who have no compassion, and they don't really give a shit about it.

Take this evening for instance...my friend and I are walking to get food from one of the dining halls. These three guys walk out, two of them carrying a box of a dozen doughnuts. One of them was...a rather larger fellow, who began to remove one of the donuts from the box as they were walking. On the other side, we have Douchebag 1 and Douchebag 2. Douchebag 1 begins to laugh, as Douchebag 2 yells from feet away at the boy holding the doughnut. Granted, I didn't here exactly what he said. But he did yell something poking fun at the big boy with the doughnut. I watched the boy's face slowly sink, and the Douchebags walked away, laughing and looking back. All I could give them was a hostile glare, but if I was close enough, I swear I could have decked both of them in the face.

Seriously...what is wrong with people? In what kind of world do we live in where people think they can just say or do whatever they want with no thought of how it affects others? I know this is a cliche thing that people talk about all the time, but it is a real problem. Humans, as a whole, never seem to see the pain behind the mask. They see a person complaining about how they are tired of life, hate their life, etc etc., yet all they can say is that the person is "attention whoring." Little do they know, that person is the boy with the doughnut, the girl with an eating disorder, the kid from an abusive family, ANYONE. Everyone is so focused on themselves that they forget that other people exist, and it's entirely narrow-minded. No one is innocent of the crime.

With all of the hate in the world, there needs to be a change of heart. Somewhere. With the recent chain of events, this is even more evident. But, as usual, that's better said than done. But it takes little steps. Little steps...

What I Try to Remind Myself

I try to remind myself that everything will be worth it in the end: I say that hopefully, but not assuredly. Sometimes even when people tell me that college will "get better", it really doesn't seem like it has so far. I mean, I go home in a little over a month and I feel kinda crappy about my entire freshman year. Just like always, I feel like there is something I could have done better: could have been less shy to people, could have studied more, could have gone to that review session, could of done this and that and blah blah blah...But it is what it is. It's easier to tell myself than to actually believe it. I wish I had more confidence and could look back and say, "wow...I really kicked ass!" But...this is college. I have to remind myself that even though I had straight A's in high school, it doesn't say much about my performance here. Everything is so different; I'm even learning things I'm not used to. Hell, I had never touched a pig, cow, or sheep in my life until I came here. I can't be expected to know everything the first time around. But I'm trying...

I really wish it was Friday already

Spring break is so close, yet so far. I miss my family, but I miss my doggy most of all. I swear that dog is my life, even if she doesn't understand it. :P I'm so ready to get a break from all this school work. I have the gut feeling that this week is going to be terribly busy, so I just hope it goes by quickly. Let's see....hopefully going to a club meeting tomorrow, I have a midterm report due Tuesday, a take home exam, and a quiz. I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I thought high school was bad for that....Oh well. Regardless, things seem to be taking a turn in the right direction.

What the Internet Has Taught Me

One thing a lot of people I meet don't know about me is that most of the closest friends I have are people that I have met on the Internet. Yes, I said Internet. 

Growing up, I really wasn't that interested in spending time on the computer. Most of the time that I was consisted of  eight year old me looking up random websites that I could join like Barbie or Cartoon Network... It wasn't until about seventh grade that I really made use of any particular website. In 2007, an old neighbor of mine introduced me to a game she was playing called "VMK" or "Virtual Magic Kingdom." It was basically a huge promotion game in the event of Disneyland's 50th anniversary. I said "okay." It looked pretty fun, so I decided to create an account of my own. I ended up really enjoying it: so much so that I basically made it my life to play it from the time I was home until it closed at 1 a.m. The day after my 13th birthday (Valentine's Day 2007, to be exact) I was Googling random things for VMK, like special codes and all that jazz. I came across a website called "MiceChat.com." At first, I wasn't sure of the extent of this new place. I started out in the VMK forums until about the end of 2007. Eventually, I ended up following one of my friends that I met there into the main forums. I met some new, wonderful friends in there. And well....I'm just going to leave it at that until I decide to write my life story as a novel *eyeroll* 

Anywho... these online friendships basically have either gone two ways at this point: absolutely wonderful or absolute shit. I'll admit it: just like everyone else, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life thus far. I've said the wrong things, trusted the wrong people, so on and so on. It hurts me to this day to think of some of the great memories I've had that have just taken a turn down the drain, but I wouldn't trade those memories for the world. The Internet has taught me so much about life that it's actually scary. When I'm really in the zone, everything seems so real. It doesn't feel like the people that I'm talking to are 600 miles away or even 3,000 miles away. People have come and gone out of my life, some being at my fault and some really theirs. I've learned that I can't impress everyone; I've learned that I can only be and do so much for people on the other side of the computer screen (or even in real life). Even though the people that I talk to are real people in reality, I know how to disconnect myself as I would with my friends who are here with me. I've been lied to, lied about, rejected, resented, and welcomed by all of these people. But most importantly of all, I've been loved. It may sound weird to people, but it's true. Not everyone gets to have the same experiences. 

Suffering from depression and anxiety for periods of time, I have had friends that I know I can go to. People may occasionally think that I am "acting out" or "nagging" people for attention, but in essence I think that my online relationships have saved my life all of this time. No matter what kind of funk I'm in, my best of friends always know how to make me laugh or just put a smile back on my face. I am forever grateful for the people who continue to be that special place in my life where I can escape and feel like I belong. If they know if or not, they are very special to me. They are my family away from my family, and I love them in a way that I couldn't explain to just some random person on the street. I think I'll keep them a little longer. ;)

For the memories that have been made and for the ones to come...thank you.

*Here are a couple I could find:

Me, Angel, and Sarah in Virginia Beach in 2012

Me and Sarah in Busch Gardens in 2010

10 Things More Exciting than Homework on a Saturday night...

1. Facebook
2. Pandora
3. Random pictures on the internet
4. Funny YouTube videos
5. Caaaandy
6. Lemonade
7. Good friends
8. Pretty blue nail polish
9. Quiet time
10. Letting go of old feelings

Sickness

So, being sick sucks. What sucks even more is that I was fine a few days ago, and I just woke up one morning feeling like death. I'm still contemplating on whether or not I should schedule an appointment at the health center for this upcoming week. My birthday is in four days, and I  want to feel better by then. :( I'm really hoping it just blows over with the help of these AlkaSeltzer capsules I bought...

I Need to Stop Being So Lazy...

Somehow, my roommate coerced me today to go to the gym with her. Luckily it's in our building, because God forbid I had to walk far. ;) I guess it's about time. I've complained about my weight for years, but I haven't really seemed to do anything serious about it. Tonight was actually my first time working out in an actual gym. Ever. It's really awkward when it seems like everyone knows what they are doing with the equipment...except for me. I'll figure these things out eventually. Ha! I don't know what I'm going to do. It would be nice to feel good about myself for once, but time puts a lot of restraints on me when I am here at school. Kinda sucks, but oh well. I'm hoping it won't be too chilly when I go home for my birthday next weekend so I can jog with my doggy...